Over the past month or so I’ve had some interesting encounters with my own imperfection. There are three specific things I am pursuing right now, all generated from my sessions with a financial coach. I hired the coach to help me take the next step on the journey of financial integrity. May sound a bit like self help mumbo jumbo to some people, but over the past few years I have been coming to terms with my own lack of integrity around the use and misuse of finances, so here I am.
But back to the pursuit. So, I’ve decided to pursue, along with financial integrity —- joy and intimacy. That’s quite a threesome. But as I reflected on what’s valuable to me I realized that joy and intimacy are central to so much that I value. They are central to my faith, to my relationships and to my sense of well being. So with each day comes a moment when I stop and remember this pursuit.
In come the crashing sounds of my humanness. It’s really quite fascinating, although maybe not that surprising, that when you start to focus on something you see it all around you. Was it not there before, or am I just paying better attention? And for this discussion, I am focusing on the intimacy, although all three pursuits have brought about some amazing revelations.
So what is intimacy? I was thinking it was that feeling of closeness; that connection I long for with the people I love. Who wouldn’t want more of that, right?
Some definitions from the trusty Dictionary say intimacy is: “a close or familiar relationship; a deep knowledge of; a euphemism for sex; and the quality of being comfortable.” Then I am reminded that intimacy is not always a warm, fuzzy feeling. Intimacy is also that moment when you experience a deep connection with someone you highly value. And that moment can be painful. So intimacy can mean pain. Ok, I wasn’t thinking about that when I dove in.
But then I remember that most of my most valuable life lessons come through pain.
I shared a moment of intimacy with one of my closest friends. I had hurt her with my words. I said something from my own place of fatigue and overwhelm and in the process she got lost. I knew something was not right, and when I realized what I had done, my regret and pain were deep. I was so fortunate to have the opportunity to talk it through — to clarify and apologize. There was grace there, and it was good. Then, after we parted I began to feel the nagging fear that my failure was coloring how she felt about me. The insecurity was shameful and the feelings were strong, so back I went. And that’s when the deeper intimacy occurred for me. In her response to me she reminded me that our friendship was based on a foundation of mutual grace to grow and change. She reminded me that in our friendship, as it grew, that there would be times of discomfort and stretching and that was part of what made it good. It was a safe place to be me.
And that is really the larger theme for me. That with the people I am closest to, there is a foundation of grace. A safety net to be myself. A place where it is not always going to be about the “warm and fuzzy feelings”, but that’s what makes it real and that’s also what makes it worth fighting for. So I’m really leaning into that right now. The realization that pursuing intimacy in my life does not mean that I end up controlling what that intimacy looks like. To the contrary, I pursue it and am surprised by the new meanings I am finding. I think, for a moment, I believed that I could actually control where it showed up in my life. Instead, I am finding it smashing into me in ways I did not expect. It’s about connection, and sometimes connection hurts. But it’s a pain I am willing to pursue.
